More than lovers, less than friends
That’s what a line in a story said. Kinda stuck with me, coz I always figured, you know, if two people had loved each other so long and so much and were willing to die to save the other, that when they finally did get together, they’d be happy.
But I guess, there’s always the shit of the real life and family and all that to contend with.
Bleh, I get the feeling I’m becoming an emotional cripple. I talk to people and I’m generally open, but I haven’t had the experience of revealing significant parts of myself to any one person. And, no one has done the same for me. I’m genuinely worried I can’t connect with people anymore. This is why I talk to my blog, but even then I’m obscure. *sigh*
Yesterday, I attended the 4179*LOVE FC event. For the first time, I won something at the quiz, and went up on stage to receive a prize (along with about 10 others). Was 2nd last in line, I think. And as it got closer to my turn, was hella nervous. When it finally got to me, she turned to look at me, and her eyes brightened in surprise. “Oh!” she exclaimed. “You won!” I managed a nod. She’s much smaller, more fragile-looking, than I remembered, definitely far smaller than she appears to be when performing. She hands me my prize, and I shake her (tiny) outstretched hand. She smiles. “Thank you for sending me letters. I read them all.” I think I stammer a thank you, and as I try to think of something profound and encouraging to say, she adds, “Sounds like you’ve been working hard.” After that, I don’t really remember. Just nodded or mumbled, and shuffled away, probably rudely, in my desperation to not linger too long on stage, as brought about by a fear that I would get lynched for such presumptuous behaviour as *gasp* talking to her. My legs were wobbly as I made my way back to my seat.
The conversation in Japanese, just because I want to burn it in my mind forever, never let go.
へ：「あ、当たりましたね！」
私：「うん」
へ：「手紙を書いてくれてありがとう。全部読んでいますよ！」
私：「ありがとうございます」
へ：「最近、すごい頑張っているようですね」
Because after all the high has worn off and you come back down to earth, you realize, that’s all you’ve got.
Just another memory.
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