Fucking kill me now
It’s 10pm on Saturday night, and I’m sitting at home reading fanfic. I’m too tired to go out, a dinner invitation the best I can manage, but turned down, so I console myself on the new Rammstein album, and a Takeshi Kovacs novel, and a cup of awamori that friends from work gave me as a present from their trip to Okinawa. I feel a slight buzz, and I’m now mellow enough to spew shit into my blog, yeah.
Had a talk with the parents today, or mother really, and it’s kinda depressing, I mean, when your younger sister is headed home next month with boyfriend in tow, boyfriend number what you don’t really know, and my mom not to subtly asks when she gets to meet my significant other, fully believing that I actually came to Japan because there was a boy here I was head over heels for.
I don’t have the heart to tell her the truth. And I’m too depressed to ruminate too hard on what significant other should mean, and fuck it, my mom knows and I know full damn well that with my current lifestyle, I’m not gonna make much progress now, am I?
Fuck that shit.
Really, I can’t even tell if I’m just a relationship cripple. Dammit, sick of the whole fucking shitload of crap. Yeah I know there’s no substitute. There’s only fucking bandaiding, so I buy toys and shit, like my new Cannondale R500 road bike, fucking awesome piece o’ shit, fuckin’ lightest bike I ever rode or even touched, amazing tech, ya know I was always thinking what space age shit they would have to throw together to justify a $1000++ price tag on a friggin’ bike, just a contraption on two wheels fergossake, but hot damn, it’s fuckin’ amazing, I rode this thing and I just fell in love like nobody’s business.
Yeah, the alcohol is talkin’ now. Whatever. All I know is, the guys are right, if you can’t get the girl, you can always settle for shiny toys.
Fuck that shit. If it wasn’t drizzling, I’d be ridin’ around town. Helmetless. More than one way to paint the town red, eh?
If Ikebukuro is running Sin City and it’s not too drippy, maybe I’ll head out. Yeah, welcome to Saturday night in Tokyo working for an IT startup.
4 Responses to “Fucking kill me now”
Hey
Take it easy…
By nabe on Oct 9, 2005
Just want to say that I feel ya, girl. It’ll get better though. Somehow.
By kaei on Oct 9, 2005
I know exactly how you feel. Makes me think everytime my brother brings home a new girlfriend. Buying toys is a very familiar way to compensate, but then the novelty wears off and at the end it’s just the same… *sigh*
Sometimes I wish work were more stressful and time consuming. Maybe then I’d have less time to complain and brood.
By nahzor on Oct 11, 2005
Thanks for the comments guys, as weird as it may seem, it actually does make a difference, feel a bit better knowing someone has taken the trouble to write a word or three.
I think I can break down my stress causes into 2 categories:
1) All the stuff I want to do, that I don’t have the time or energy to do
2) All the stuff I should do, that I don’t have the self-discipline to force myself to do, because I’m too busy being depressed about (1)
80++/week working hours are just a part of the problem. Or rather, allowing yourself to get caught in the 80 hour week trap is a major problem, and it’s not something you can expect the company to solve for you. Either you get better and faster at processing work while refusing to take on more, or you refuse 20% of what’s thrown at you, or you quit and find a new job.
What I do is my call, but I think this really is a problem I should solve for myself. I am in no mood for heroics, no matter the shit other people in the company have pulled in the past to get sites up and about. I refuse to give more, and I intend to give less, otherwise I will end up quitting. And if that’s not good enough for the company, if that winds up being unfair to other co-workers, well, I really hope all of us can re-examine what counts as reasonable, and come to a sane solution.
This is not a sane solution. This is not a viable solution. The funny thing is, I like my company a lot, so I’m going to try my damned best to force a different solution, so I can stay.
By No Make Girl on Oct 12, 2005