The foolishness of human dissatisfaction
I should be working now, but I think I need a break, and a chance to get slightly introspective. To be honest, I don’t really know what I’m doing here. It’s just pure blind luck I love my job, but at the same time I can’t help but wonder if I should be concerned about “wasting my potential”. Just read a friend’s blog, and what she said about “workaholic but totally ambitionless” rings so true. I do wish I had a more “ambitious” job. I mean, what I essentially do is site design for public consumption, in a small company. Yet, I love this job like nothing I’ve ever done… it’s basically living my hobby, and I get to do all the cool stuff like think up functions and ideas and how things should work, minus all the dirty work of actually doing the design and coding. It’s absolute top level in the creativity field, and I revel in being able to dictate exactly how a website (kinda like the equivalent of Linked-In or Friendster, but better of course, heheh) is gonna work. And knowing that 100,000 people are going to be communicating and exchanging ideas based on a system I had a major hand in designing.
But, I’m not leading any companies, I’m not running a 100 person department, I’m definitely not buying and selling any companies either… And I absolutely have no desire to. And yet, somehow I am bothered. And I don’t know why, either, except for the vague notion that my career isn’t as grand as it should be. If I think about the future and what I will be doing in 5 years, I start to get nervous. As much as this is the perfect job now, I think I would feel rather underachieved if I didn’t somehow “advance” into top management.
So people can be really stupid about work too, not just love, and work is far less emotional and chaotic. What’s scarier is to become numb, and let go, and forget about caring about why you care, because it’s easier not to care and think. I spent a week at the beginning of March on the verge of crying, out of sheer frustration at not knowing what I should do, and not being to have what I wanted even though I didn’t really know what I wanted, and wanting things I had no hope of having.
I think my saving grace is that I always seem to be in motion, and so it passes or becomes something else, or I find something else which fills it in. And it’s always the small little pointless things which bring the most happiness.
