OWARINAKI TABIBITO - No Make Girl’s Endless Journey

Mai-HiME - Shizuru and Natsuki, forever?

Now that I’ve made my mild displeasure at the previous episode known, I figure it also deserved a treatise on what was good. Yes, despite the fact that I considered the Shizuru x Natsuki wrap-up too pat and neat (not to mention that I was still quite unhappy that Shizuru continued to be psycho for No Good Goddamn Reason), this episode was packed with some pretty tasty bits.

Before we get to our favourite girls, I’d like to take the opportunity to rave about MIYU, who was simply incredibly awesome and cool. Should have figured Sunrise would do mecha in true style! As an old school mecha fight fan (well, old school as in Masami Ohbari of BGC and Detonator Orgun), I get seriously pumped to see beautiful action execution. Forget content, this is all about the style and atmostphere, and ho-boy does our little robot girl deliver! Cheesy and corny, but dang it had me grinning when she selects “Mode Scarlet - Artillery” (woo woo!) and her clothes shimmer to red. Ahh… joy… *happy tears*

I have to say, the fights in this ep were also pretty good. Yep, we’re talking MIYU blasting away, but the true stars must be Natsuki and Kaichou, of course. Oh, and Mega Duran ^^

First, Natsuki firing at Shizuru, and Shizuru hitting aside the bullets with her naginata (that girl’s gooood…), then the massive, massive Duran appearing out of the ice, with Natsuki riding on top, then big huge mechs clashing… Good stuff. Almost good enough to forget Shizuru’s recycled animation :P

Favourite Shizuru/Natsuki parts in this episode:
- Shizuru hefting her naginata and going, “But I really do love you” with the saddest eyes
- Shizuru calling for Kiyohime after that (that voice, that tone!)
- Natsuki summoning Duran, who turns out to be suddenly a LOT bigger than before! And she stands on his nose while he howls into the sky
- Shizuru saying, “Do you hate me THAT much?” after Natsuki says the Child grows out of the depth of emotion
- Kiyohime chasing Natsuki out of the trees, and then you see Duran’s leg step into the frame, and you know with that crunching sound Duran has just whacked it aside
- Natsuki brushing Shizuru’s hair away tenderly
- Natsuki when she shouts, “DURAN, LOAD SILVER CARTRIDGE!”
- “UTAE!”

And then green sparklies.

Okay, now comes the treatise on Natsuki and Shizuru. Actually, when I think about it, for a 26 episode series that had a gadzillion characters and tried to fit everything but the kitchen sink into its plotlines, Natsuki and Shizuru got some real airtime. Although Shizuru’s story was too abrupt and convenient to be called good writing, it was still treated very well, especially in the midst of everything going to hell. In fact, you could say that Shizuru was the central point of this final arc, and they did manage to squeeze a heck of a lot out of it. Or perhaps that’s because I’ve been reading the reams of debating going on on the ‘net for the last 5 weeks ^^;;

What’s surprising about how things turned out through the last 5 episodes is that right on par with Shizuru’s fall into insanity was the breadth of Natsuki’s growth and compassion. Back then in ep 21, we thought Shizuru was the coolest thing sinced sliced bread, and that Natsuki was totally useless. Then, Natsuki returns with a conviction that outshines any of the other HiMEs because it comes straight from within herself. I think Natsuki is without doubt the hero of this story, an immensely strong, noble and selfless character. She was a bitter young girl, then a distant, single-minded teenager with only one true friend - a friend who went on to shock her by violating her trust and revealing herself to be not quite right in the head.

When Shizuru, who had believed that she must not ever let Natsuki find out that she desired Natsuki, because there is no way Natsuki could ever return “these twisted feelings”, is abrubtly revealed, she loses it completely. It is utterly disturbing for us to see a Shizuru who kills everything that stands between her and Natsuki, all the while declaring that she will protect Natsuki, and then when faced with Natsuki again, says “Natsuki, I will make you mine.” We could not possibly imagine the extent to which Natsuki herself is recoiling in horror at the way everything has disintegrated.

Helpless and lost. That was Natsuki stumbling through the streets in the rain. That was Natsuki who could not find the strength to summon Duran. That was Natsuki bound in threads by Nao, who could do nothing but shout for the two HiMEs to stop fighting… Until Nao’s comment laid a flash of insight into her heart.

That was when Natsuki realized how important Shizuru was. Shizuru was important, more important than even her mother - who had been her mainstay until her betrayal was revealed - because it was Shizuru’s patience and ever cheerful presence that drew Natsuki out of her solitary darkness. Without Shizuru, she would have been as misguided as Nao, but because Shizuru stood by Natsuki, even as her lone friend, Natsuki became the person she is now.

And with that, the stage is set; Natsuki would do everything in her power to deliver Shizuru from this black fate of the HiMEs. And that’s why she knows she has to fight Shizuru, because stopping Shizuru is the kindest thing she could possibly do for this most important person in her life.

My main complaint about Shizuru’s madness - aside from the fact that I still think it makes no sense for someone who is otherwise a cool and collected, yet teasing and fun-loving girl, to suddenly believe that committing murder is a fully acceptable way of demonstrating affection - is what she hopes to accomplish with Natsuki. Surely she knows that the more she kills, the further away she pushes Natsuki. But still she tells her, in ep 24, that she will go destroy the remnants of the First District and then return because “you are mine”. She knows, all too well, that Natsuki is shocked by her “twisted feelings”, and that there is little chance that Natsuki will return them. Yet all her actions indicate she now operates in her own little world where nothing else matters but her obssession to “destroy everything that stands between me and Natsuki”, and damn the consequences of her actions on any hope of repairing her relationship with Natsuki. Even when Natsuki regains her powers from rediscovering what is important, Shizuru only seems sad… and then she leaves.

Perhaps it’s because I can’t believe Shizuru could be so crazy as to be completely divorced from reality, even if she might be more than a little obssessed with wanting Natsuki, and wanting to hide that from Natsuki. Cognitive dissonance causes, after all, an immense amount of mental stress, and one does snap when the load is too much. But Shizuru wasn’t crazy at the beginning, she was just a very confused girl like yours truly, and so once the big shock wears off, you’d think she’d be a little calmer.

So, two nights of rampaging around later, we have Shizuru sitting at a desk in school, sipping tea. Natsuki busts in on her bike (okay, granted that’s not exactly the best of approaches), and Shizuru is so dead calm it’s freaky as hell, dammit!! And then Natsuki declares she will stop Shizuru once and for all, and Shizuru replies, with a sigh, that “I guess you won’t accept my feelings after all. In that case..” and materializes naginata and rushes Natsuki.

I’m sitting there going… duh!! Of course! You just killed a bunch of people, you’re insane, and you’re utterly unpredictable now because who knows who’s next on your list?

Well, you know the rest of the episode. Natsuki leads her out. Shizuru follows on Kiyohime, saying that she really didn’t want Natsuki to suffer. And then she finally shows emotion, in a voice that’s cracking with sadness… “Natsuki… Demo uchi yappari Natsuki suki nan dosue.” And those eyes… narrowed in pain and perhaps hopelessness - “That’s why, even if you hate me, I will try to make you mine.” And when Natsuki summons Mega Duran and says that the depth of feeling becomes the power of the Child, Shizuru, tears streaming, attacks whle crying out, “Do you hate me THAT much?”

When I rewatched it, this part really hit me again. Shizuru’s pain is incredible. Because, you see, she believes completely that Natsuki hates her. Hates her, despises her, will oppose her at any turn, because Shizuru betrayed Natsuki by falling in love with her and, worse, by being unable to control her own feelings.

I really didn’t like how neat the resolution was to these two. No, I did not begrudge Natsuki her feelings towards Shizuru. Shizuru was obviously important to her, but that was also mixed up in the need to save the world by stopping Shizuru. And Natsuki had decided her course of action knowing that if she destroyed Kiyohime, she herself would die, and once Natsuki died, Shizuru too would follow. Strong and noble, yes, but what about Shizuru?

Shizuru, who had snagged the bell which had encased Natsuki, broke it into pieces, wrapped her whiplike weapon around this girl who could never possibly come willingly to her, and pulled her in to a deep embrace. I didn’t understand this, didn’t understand what Shizuru really wanted or hoped for. Why the sadness when she finally held Natsuki in her arms?

I knew why Shizuru was happy when Natsuki told her she did indeed love her, although not in the way Shizuru would have wished. That’s just straightforward. But there is also her surprise when Natsuki ordered Duran to fire and commit both Childs to destruction, and her final little smile, her quiet “ureshii” while the two of them fade away while holding each other… Was it simply just because of Natsuki’s words, “I love you”, and the implication that Shizuru is Natsuki’s most important person?

No… no it wasn’t. Going back, I suddenly realized what it was Shizuru really, truly wanted. More than Natsuki to feel the same about her, more than Natsuki herself… What Shizuru really wanted was Natsuki’s forgiveness. Shizuru had gone on a rampage precisely because she believed that once Natsuki found out about her “sin”, there was nothing left. That smidgeon of hope she had always had in the corner of her heart, that one day Natsuki might actually feel the same way back, was shattered the instant it became obvious Natsuki had overheard that fateful conversation with Haruka and Yukino.

And that’s why Shizuru lost it. It wasn’t sudden insanity, it was but the blackest of despair, the total absence of hope, that drove her to such extremes. After all, she had nothing else to lose, and so why shouldn’t she do as she wished? Nothing would change how Natsuki felt to her, nothing could erase Natsuki’s disgust at her sinful existence, nothing would turn that recoil from her touch to acceptance. Natsuki hated her. And that was that.

And so that’s why Shizuru was so shocked by Natsuki’s kiss and her subsequent words. I think, more than the touch of Natsuki’s lips or hearing Natsuki’s “confession of love”, Shizuru was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that Natsuki had forgiven her, forgiven her all her sinful feelings and her betrayal and her killings. And she realized that Natsuki had actually never hated her… despite everything she had done.

All Shizuru wanted was forgiveness. I think she could have lived with Natsuki not feeling the same towards her. But she was so frightened of losing Natsuki if her real feelings were to be known, that it blinded her to how Natsuki would really react to the news. When she realized she did not lose Natsuki, in fact had never lost Natsuki, that Natsuki would always love her and accept her for who she was… That was the greatest happiness for Shizuru. Shizuru, tormented and tortured soul of a woman who can never have want she wants, finally knows peace.

And Natsuki, Natsuki was the greatest friend a person could ever wish for. The Childs reflect the nature of their HiMEs - Natsuki is truly the epitome of loyalty.

Dang, this is long. Took me forever to write, and I still didn’t get it to come out the way I wanted it to. I think I violated quite a few rules of good writing, too. ^^;; Bah, it’s too much trouble to fix my sentence structures and pronouns.

I guess I will close by saying that I was very moved that Shizuru’s sad and tragic tale got the best saviour one could hope for. Natsuki, who did indeed love Shizuru with all her heart, who would have done anything to save her most important person from this suffering. Natsuki, who understood Shizuru exactly, and would be the one to protect and care for Shizuru to the very end.

Who knew that one could find such an amazing story of love in a moe Sunrise anime?

Who knew I would care so much for a make-believe character to be sitting here writing psychological analyses?

Shizuru is an incredible phenomenon… I don’t think the creators even dreamt she would attract so much attention from anime fans the world over. What is it about her that draws us in? Heh, I guess we’ve all fallen in love with Kaichou.

Time to hand it over to the doujin artists and fanfic writers.